Out

If you deal with crippling anxiety for too long, you start to develop strange thinking patterns. I have loads of them, and one thing in particular that bothers me the most is, I feel completely out of place everywhere I go.

It takes a lot of courage to go to coffee shops cooler than Costa, instagrammable cafes or classy restaurants that serve tiny food, because I fear being sniggered at. No matter how I try to look presentable and act normal, my brain tells me I’m the biggest clown in the room. More often that not I end up scoffing a rice ball from Seven Eleven on a nearby bench, which makes me even more unapproachable.

Same for travelling. Once I got in to a hotel room, the hardest part is getting out. I need a round of deep breathing and thorough double check in the mirror - to make sure I don’t look like an idiot - before hitting the road. Then I feel nervous again while I’m out, as if everyone thinks a weirdo has appeared. Exhausting. I have no idea how many fun moments has been ruined by this nonsense over the years.

What I found especially tough is this. There’s a band I’ve been following for years. I saw them many times, was a member of the fan club at one point and even sent them fan letters(!). Still, I have this nagging feeling that I don’t belong to the fandom. Whenever I’m at concerts or try to connect with other fans online, I become so insecure I imagine people are thinking “What are you doing here? You’re not welcome, now piss off”. I’m very good at pretending not to care, but I’m struggling underneath like a duck swimming in water.

It seemed to me, those who actively post fan art or organise events like a month-long listening marathon on social media and recognised by the band are regarded as “true” fans. Just listening to their music is not enough nowadays. Contribute. Write perfect gig reviews. Praise them as eloquently as you can. You have to be on social media at least. Otherwise, you'll miss what they ate in France or who they met in Japan. You should know everything about them. This was what I thought.

The very first time I saw them was also my first ever solo trip. I wanted to make it perfect and I was quite happy about having done everything on my own, planning and making reservations and all that, but a few days after the show I saw posts on Twitter by some fans who stayed at the backstage door and took pictures with band members. You’ll never know how hard I blamed myself for leaving the venue too early, for not being courageous enough to grab a chance to meet them. I had seriously thought about joining social media just to become like everybody else, to drown myself in a tsunami of information just to keep up. But then again, I know I would be obsessed and checking what’s up 24/7. That's why I’m not on social media in the first place, anyway.

The whole thing is totally absurd. Yet, it’s really hard to overcome this delusion that my brain keeps creating for decades. It actually took a while to stop brooding over it, realising you don’t necessarily need to become a superfan. In reality, most people are not, and sometimes it’s better not going too far. Let's be honest, if you have to turn men in their 70s into twinkle-eyed manga characters to get recognised, I’d rather be an outcast.